Mike announces that he has realized two life ambitions: the show is #1 in Wichita, and the gang is heading to Wichita to spend St. Patrick's Day in the middle of Kansas. Don asks listeners not to pay any attention to the naysayers,that the show -- now heard in NYC -- "is like heroin and we will hook you." Mike gives an recap of his colonoscopy the day before; anyone want to buy a souvenir anal pollop? Next, the guys launch a full-scale investigation into Erin Moran's claims that Henry Winkler molested her on the set of "Happy Days." This leads to a quick call to Al Molinaro to dispute or collaborate those claims. Caller Mike from Reston correctly guesses the Secret Celebrity Laugh and wins $2,000 (and avoids having his head shaved). James Phillip Source calls in to relate the latest chapter in the true-life story of Jim and Don's weirdo parents. It's a miracle that those two boys turned out semi-normal.